BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
I’ve found the trick to appreciate WWE. Simply turn your brain off, ignore the history of entertaining and fun times, don’t plan on logic occurring, and just turn your brain off. It’s not worth getting hyped up about. There is no reason to get amped about a big match or a big event. There is no reason to get excited about one specific wrestler. There is no reason to have ANY expectations higher than “meh”. There is no reason to expect WWE to even keep you awake for a three hour show.
That’s how I watch WWE now. I could take a nap right before RAW and still go into a bore-daze that ends up with me blacking out a portion of the show. I’ll find a random sporting event to switch to and pretend I care about because my inner child has ran away from home. The WWE was a symbol of comfort and joy for my inner child and something happened. I don’t know what it is because the inner child isn’t saying what it is. Maybe my inner child was inappropriately touched, abandoned, or just decided to say “screw this” and take his little backpack and a lunch box full of gummy snacks and head out.
So I tuned into Payback with the hopes that I’d not doze off during the show.
The “preshow” match saw El Torito defeat Hornswoggle. It was fun but not nearly as fun as the “Wee-L-C” match. They had plenty of time to do cool stuff, but it just didn’t do it for me.
Cesaro lost to Sheamus in one of the most forgettable Cesaro outtings in recent memory. Cesaro swinging him 20+ times was awesome, but Sheamus is not. I read somewhere that Sheamus is a “WWE Cooler”, meaning if you take someone with popularity and/or momentum and put them into a program with Sheamus that their rise will “cool down” due to stagnation and uninterest.
They added the Rhodes vs. Rybaxel and wasted our time. They could have AT LEAST said “this is a number one contenders match” and gave it some substance. It was a lame and boring match with the ONLY pay off being Cody being depressed and telling his brother he needs to “find a better partner”. That could have been taken care of with a backstage promo. It’s not like they don’t already lose every time. Why give us “one more loss” to finally break the camel’s back?
Rusev defeated Big E. This was expected. The match was short but better than I had imagined because of Big E. making it somewhat interesting. I feel bad for that guy.
Bo Dallas and Kofi went to a no contest as Kane came out and destroyed Kofi. There was no reason for this. Kane didn’t need to make an appearance and why waste Kofi on getting beat up? He’s wasted so badly. I guess Bo getting to appear was the only thing about this segment that was “good”.
Bad News Barrertt went over on RVD. This wasn’t a bad match at all. It was a little sloppy, but it was a good back and forth match with engaging pacing.
Stephanie/Bryan/Brie happened. The big blow off was Stephanie being called a bitch and then being slapped. This is supposed to hold us over? Daniel Bryan is great and I love watching him perform, but he would be better off kept away from the camera. These kind of things are groan worthy and doesn’t showcase WHY he’s so bad ass and awesome.
The Last Man Standing Match was fun. I enjoyed it. Cena winning isn’t too surprising because Cena winning anything should always be expected. If John Cena showed up in a hockey jersey then the Blackhawks would have advanced to the NHL Finals in 2014 instead of losing game 7 to LA. There was some cool spots, but anything that includes the Usos loses value with me.
Paige defeated Alicia Fox in the “come down match”. It was a solid match, but the placement sucks. They put actual time to get this one over and they put it in the spot for the crowd to cool down for. They should have just opened the show so the crowd could have had a better grasp for it’s push.
I enjoyed the Main Event as much as I could. It had some brutal spots and the story was engaging. My main issue was the psychology of the gimmick match. If it’s a “No Holds Barred” match then why did they NEED to tag in and out? This totally killed it for me for the first twenty minutes. The logic behind this sucked ass. There is no reasonable explanation for this that will work with me. You can rationalize it as “they needed to have legal men to get pinned” but you’re just reaching and trying to make sense of it. Reigns was canned and the other two were beat up like jobbers… then they come back and win because they’re so bad ass. It didn’t feel like Evolution took half the heat that they did so when they finally lost at the end it felt a little hokey. It was like “we’re going to murder you until you shoot a spit ball or two at us and then we’ll lose”. It made The Shield look like heroes for coming back, but the psychology sucked. Evolution looks stronger than ever despite losing. While the finish was decisive, it felt flukey and off-putting. Don’t get me wrong, it was fun. Only if you turn your brain off and just keep saying to yourself, “I like the Shield and hope they win” and ignore the whole, “I hope I see something that makes sense”. Sadly, most people are going to over rate this match because of a few spots and a happy finish.
People are quick to say, “It’s only $10 so why get so frustrated?!” The $10 is one thing, but it’s also nearly four years of your life. As you get older you realize that four hours is A LONG time. You could be doing so many other things instead of watching unsatisfying wrestling. I’m sure this is just me talking, but I’m nearing a point where I can skip a PPV and not care. I can watch it the next day and just watch the one to three matches on the card I wanted to see, spend an hour or so of my time, and not miss a step. For this show I could have lived with just watched the Cena/Wyatt match and the Main Event. There were little parts that were notable, but not worth sitting through. I should have used this time to catch up on Mad Men, taken a nap, worked on something or basically anything. I need a different hobby to fill this wrestling void. I watch every RAW and PPV with Smackdowns and other content mixed in and there is STILL a “wrestling void”. I’m 95% sure I’m cancelling my Network subscription come the renewal period.
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