BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
It's going to be 2015 before we know it. Isn't it time to move on in your life
to the next phase of who you are supposed to be? That's the beauty of living in
the now. We have the opportunity to redefine who we are time and time again.
Change is inevitable. You might as well not only embrace it but do what you can
to steer it in a positive way.
A large amount of younger people are easily categorized as "hipsters". We've all
seen them. It's the skinny jeans, plaid shirts, and curly mustaches walking
around like sheep in the guise of being a hybrid of both "unique" and "ironic".
The whole movement is based in being so different than the next while
maintaining the sharpest smirk possible. It's the standard of fitting in with
"the cool kids" while pretending not to care if anyone is looking. It's a
uniform.
But as I said, change is inevitable. This lifestyle and "scene" is on it's last
legs. People are evolving into their own personalities. It's only a matter of
before the next wave of douche-baggery to take on the influence of the younger
generation. It just works that way. New "scenes" pop up and trends will be
followed.
It doesn't just change overnight. There is a downtime for the transition. When
the "hipster" thing fades there are going to be a lot of wandering sheep out
there with a "scene" to Sheppard them.
Today I'm going to do my part to help the transition process move along with as
much ease as possible.
Here are 8 alternatives to utilize as you "unhipster" yourself or a
trend-strucked loved one:
1.) “Curly Mustaches”
"Curly mustaches" can easily be shaved off and to fill the void try "curly
fries". There IS glutten, but imagine all the money saved on stache wax and time
spent on getting the perfect "arch".
2.) “Craft Beer”
We all have enjoyed a nice microbrewed beer. They have a stronger and more
distinct taste and a bigger and more pricey tab. It's sorta ruined by those who
insist on calling them "craft beer". There are "cool people" who are proud to
blurt out "I only drink craaaaft beer." Drink what you want, but it's just beer.
Get over yourself with the trite labels. This is why I recommend trading craft
beer for Kraft mac and cheese. You still have to work off the guilt carbs the
next morning but you'll be a better person for it.
3.) “Skinny Jeans”
"Skinny jeans" have dominated for too long. As a flamingly hetro man I'm a bit
more lenient when women wear them. Yoga pants are garbs from the gods. It's just
time to give your little sister her pants back and let your balls breath. I know
it's not that easy. To wean yourself off the nut hugger pants I'm suggesting you
wear long johns under your "real boy" pants. You'll get the same silly
compression but without the rest of us having to witness the testicular
destruction of an entire misguided generation.
4.) “Bicycle Lanes”
Enough with the bicycle craze. Let's get rid of bicycle lanes. Riding a bike is
good and fun. There is nothing wrong with it in theory, but the motive is purely
a "keeping up with Jones'" thing. This isn't fair to some people who just like
it so I'm not going to take away the bikes, I'm taking the bike lanes. Trails
are okay, but bikes don't belong on the same streets as cars. I don't care how
nice of a day it is to go for a stroll. Get out of my way. I have places to be
and I'd like to get there at the speed limit of a car. Gas, insurance, and car
payments aren't cheap.
5.) “Flat Bill Hats”
It's more a hip hop scene fashion statement, but the flat bill hat has taken on
a life of its own. It has become part of the uniform of your standard D-bag,
most notably hipsters. If one is that much need of a flat bill hat why not
hollow out the skull of a really big duck? I know it sounds horrendous and I'm
not denying the challenge of finding a dead duck with a head large enough to
comfortably envelope a human head. You can use a platypus skull or Donald Duck
hat from Disneyland if you must. But only if you must.
6.) “Plaid Shirts”
Plaid shirts are another common trend these days. Apparently along the way it
became "in" to dress like Howdy Doody. In the 90s it was "flannels" but those
same shirts were refined and fitted to suit the weak-boy needs of hipsters
everywhere. Plaid itself is fine, but I'm specifically taking about the fitted
looking ones with two breast pockets and a $50 price tag. If you are that stuck
on these kind of patterns I'm recommending taking a table cloth, any kind you
fancy, and wrapping it around your neck like a child pretending to be a super
hero. You're pretending to be a man either way.
7.) “Indie Rock”
"Indie rock" is not rock and roll. It's whiney hipsters playing up their
indifferent moods with uninteresting music. It's "vintage" as much as a carbon
copy of a carbon copy of a carbon copy of a faded picture of yuppies at a Phish
cover band concert at a corporate retreat. There is no substance to watered down
water. Mumford and Sons is not "music", it's a hipster jingle to sell a product.
The product these bands are pushing is utter nonsense in a "cool" package that
"anyone who is anyone" just HAS to have. Instead of listening to retro sounding
bands just cut out the middle man and listen to real retro music. Watch the
Woodstock documentary. Even if it's not on Netflix or Hulu, it's worth getting
"really retro" and watch it on one of those "DVD" discs people used to use "back
in the day".
8.) “Ironic Enjoyment”
It's easy to pick something random and focus a lot of tongue
in cheek excitement to it as a not-so-inside joke. Find a bad television show, a
horrible movie, a lame band, or silly "vintage" trend. This makes one feel like
they have the answer to a joke that only they can really laugh at. There is
nothing wrong with the obscure but we can replace this fairly common form of
"being unique" with actual genuine enjoyment of qualify. You don't need irony or
social media approval to appreciate a really great film, song or form of
beautiful artwork. You don't need a smirk to smile. Just let loose, open your
mind, heart and attention to the freedom of legitimate greatness. You know, like
this column!
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