BY KEITH EVANS
Rarely do I ever seek out to cause trouble or mayhem. . . Sorry, let me rephrase that in a more accurate phrase. Mayhem and trouble is what I’ve named my testicles. I carry them around with me wherever I go, as not to be detached from them in fear of obvious castration, extreme pain, shock, and emotional separation from any and everyone. With that being said, in my latest quest for delusional justice and self justification, I find myself inadvertently defending Gwyneth Paltrow.
Gwyneth Kate Paltrow, a woman I always kind just categorized as the low key/hi profile classy actress who was probably over-rated but classically pretty enough to glide through Hollywood history based on her appropriate casting (I.e. Great Expectations, Shakespeare In Love, and Iron Man). When both, her and I were younger, I thought she was interestingly hot in the face, yet her body was really skinny and lacked the depth and width in certain areas us blacks generally prefer. Then she kind of disappeared from the scene, had a couple kids with husband Chris Martin from Coldplay (which at the time was totally random to me). I remember seeing one of her “return” experiences on MTV’s VMA’s a few years back. I recall her walking out in a tight dress and thinking “Damn, poppin’ out kids named after fruit sure did thicken Gwyn up!” I mean, honestly, after her return to the media’s eye, it almost seemed that showing off her newly shaped legs and thighs was a pre-requisite. No complaints here. Some women are like that, they get so much sexier after children (Shout out to Felicia Baron).
Let’s also mention that Gwyneth Paltrow went from hanging with the obvious late 90’s birds of a feather crowd (Winona Ryder and Ben Affleck) to a more trendier and culturally sexy one (Beyonce’ and whatever the type of girls Coldplay like). Let’s just say Mrs. Martin re-established herself. All of a sudden, when we thought she wasn’t going to even act anymore, she popped up in the Iron Mans. Suddenly, reliving her role from that karaoke movie Duets, Gwyneth (no doubt some type of inspirations coming from her husband) decides she wants to flex her voice. She pops up as a guest star on Glee, and now she’s got a movie coming out called Country Strong, with an apparent country single of (wait for it. . . .SURPRISE!) the same name. This song is performed at the CMA’s by Paltrow with, of course, some criticism.
Now, I am NOT a country fan. I’m generally anti country music, with a few exceptions forced into my brain by my past relationship with the mother of my child. Upon cruising the Internet, I came across a video of this Country Strong performance, and after ridding myself of any biased opinion of this genre, saw that Gwyneth actually put on a decent performance, as far as actresses/flash in the pan singers go. Then I read a blog criticizing and questioning her performance.
Some guy named “Gabe” who writes for Videogum.com (already gay) seemed to take great offense to something actors/actresses have been doing for years when involved in a film in which they sing. For some reason, this “blogger” was actually born yesterday, and is brand new to media hype and the such. He begged for some sort of explanation as to WHY she had her singing debut on the Country Music Awards. Here’s an obvious answer you may want to try; BECAUSE SHE’S STARRING IN A MOVIE ABOUT COUNTRY MUSIC! He goes on to eventually answer his own question, just to give himself a vehicle in which he can question the sex of Paltrow’s kid, whose named Apple. Not sure how difficult it was for this “Gabe” (whom sexuality is very questionable at this point) to figure out that Apple is a girl. I mean, I suppose in this age of open bi-sexualism and it being the 21st century and all, one can possibly question it out of lack of common sense and pure lack of gaydar. This was simply shot that was uncalled for. Maybe I’m a bit sensitive to this because I have a child myself, but really? You can’t figure out a child named Apple is a girl? Especially when she has another child named Moses. What’d you think HE was, a goat? Oh, my bad, perhaps you didn’t simply go to Wikipedia, as you could’ve easily done at the computer you probably sit at all day finding stuff to criticize.
He goes on to bring up his “main” point, which is her allegedly “faking” playing the guitar. Now, I can not readily defend this for 2 reasons. 1.) I don’t play the guitar. Surprisingly enough, with the exception of violin related ones, stringed instruments are the only group of instruments I can’t play. Had she been playing a Guitar Hero guitar, I might be able to tell if she was faking it or not, . . . Oh wait. Number 2? I have known a lot of guitar players, good, awesome, and horrible. The one thing they have in common with me is that it looks like they’re all doing the same thing. With that being stated, had she been Jack White-ing the hell out of her guitar, it would have looked no different to me. I mean, she didn’t come off as say, somebody on SNL faking the guitar for a sketch, but again, she is an actress.
This brings me to his final point, in which he pretty much labels her a liar because she’s an actress. That’s slightly debatable. I do agree that there is a certain element of lying when it comes to acting, fundamentally speaking. Fortunately, or unfortunately for me, I’m both. I just recently began my acting schooling, while lying has always been a cursed filled gift I was born with. I think it may be a bit much to go off on the deep end and brand Gwyneth a “liar” because she is in the business where ultimately, she’s paid to play pretend. I don’t know her personally, so she could very well be this big time liar in he inner circle. Just as I don’t know her personally, I’m willing to bet neither does Gabe. Perhaps you may be thinking “Keith, you DID inadvertently label Gabe gay in this post. Is that not hypocritical?” I’d have to answer that with a no. You see, the name Gwyneth is Welsh, meaning happiness. The name in itself doesn’t necessarily evoke a feeling of happiness when I say it, but that IS it’s definition, and I do find it to be an interesting name. Nowhere in that definition does it say it means, or derives from the word liar or lie. On the contrary, Gabe, a derivative of the full name Gabriel, (also use as a girl’s name according to my research) pronounced GAY-bree-el (again, according to research) is of Hebrew origin, meaning hero of God, or God’s able bodied one. The name itself doesn’t necessarily evoke a feeling of God’s hero or anything like that, but that IS it’s definition, and I do find it to be a “gay” name. Nowhere in that definition does it say it means, or derives from the word gay, . .except for it’s first syllable mind you.
My final point? Gabe should relax. There are so many other things to bitch and whine about than Gwyneth Paltrow singing country music. By all technicalities, that should literally be the most boring thing you’ve ever heard, and you should’ve just ignored it to begin with. You were absolutely right when you stated that she DOES have to put food on the table. Acting in movies, then going on to market and promote those movies however the studios see fit IS in her job description. It’s almost like questioning why mailmen ride around in mail trucks with only one door on the opposite side. Who the fuck knows really? The mailman’s just doing the job he or she is paid to do and pretty much have no say so in what side of the mail truck the door is to be manufactured. Now, yes, I’m sure that maybe Gwyneth has a bit more say so in what she will and won’t do, but I think she’s put in enough work to where if she’s in a country and western music movie about a country singer, and the name of the song she sings in the movie is Country Strong, it’s not that far fetched to assume that the perfect place to promote said project is at the conveniently scheduled Country Music Awards, where people perform country songs. You’d think a guy with a Jewish name, a simple money making thought like that would come naturally.
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